Phantom Pains

phantom heart

There has always been an emptiness
A place where a piece of me seems missing
a longing for understanding
or at least a connection
A chance to know someone missing from my life

Being part of a splintered family
raised by two loving parents
but never getting to know one of those
responsible for your birth
creates a cavern of un-felt feelings

This cave, a place of unconnected love
creates echoes, as emotions bounce
off the hardened parts of my heart
filling the emptiness with phantom feelings
knowing reality and perception are unaligned

And now, as this part of me, my blood
fights, then fails to draw life-giving breath
those sympathy pains of unfulfilled love
become aligned through actual loss
phantom feelings for the mother I barely knew

Playing in Condemned Houses



How far do I let the thoughts go?
Where does the trouble start?
An innocent fantasy can grow
while left alone in the dark.
Romance it or feed it
with the least bit of thought
pack it away while you get back to your day
but carefully check the lid before re-opening!

Fantasy grows in secret!
Blooms into obsession
takes on a life of its own.
Once the roots set and the thoughts grow
they never remain a single plant,
but grow like vines
into all the surrounding trees
strangling the life out of whatever they touch!

Fantasy takes so many shapes.
I never know which are safe playgrounds
and which are condemned houses
with floors just waiting for my foot to feed on.
Which thoughts can be manipulated
for my own enjoyment,
and which will manipulate me
for my own abuse?

Reality versus fantasy…
a constant battle of wants
against what is real!
The separation in my head
between my outward self and my private self
become subservient to my dreamer self.
How long can we live in fantasy land
before it is just considered life?